Thoughts About Miracles

When last I reported on my physical condition, I had been laid out by the chemo drug Carboplatin, which once again caused my bladder to become inflamed. After about 3 weeks of living in the bathroom, things slowly returned to normal. My doctor put me on a short break from chemo altogether, and from Carboplatin forever. According to him, he has never had a patient with this problem before! How special I felt! He advised me there are other forms of platinum that could be used. He recommended an older platinum drug that they used to use, CISplatin, which he remarked, caused more nausea, “but with the new anti-nausea drugs it shouldn’t be a problem.”

So two weeks ago (Tuesday) I received that drug (which takes twice as long to infuse), and my other two tumor suppressors. I was there from 11:30 to 5:30! The good news is my bladder tolerated it just fine. The bad news? I was pretty strung out with nausea and fatigue from Thursday to Monday. Not so bad that I had to throw up or anything, but bad enough that it kept me awake one night. So, a new challenge to face, but I’m feeling fine now, which makes you forget the bad. My tumor marker was at 41 that day which is just slightly high so my body is hanging in there despite missing alot of chemo treatments.

I’ve been thinking and studying about miracles, and pondering why couldn’t I be healed like the faith-filled woman with the blood issue that just touched Jesus’ garment and was instantly healed. As with most things in life, there is no easy answer. But there is alot of food for thought out there which calms my troubled heart. After reading Elder Donald Hallstrom’s conference talk ( https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/10/has-the-day-of-miracles-ceased?lang=eng) I had a different perspective on miracles. He asks, “Do we have the faith not to be healed from our earthly afflictions so we might be healed eternally? Is our faith focused on simply wanting to be relieved of pain and suffering, or is it firmly centered on God the Father and His holy plan and in Jesus Christ and His atonement?”

He suggests that we are “living a miracle”–that being a child of God, receiving a body in his image, the gift of a Savior and his atonement, and eternal life are all part of the miracle of this life. This got me thinking about other miracles I’ve experienced in my life. The biggest one is that angel sitting on my lap in the above picture. My granddaughter was born with several heart defects and had two open heart surgeries in the first 6 months of her life. Had she been born in an earlier generation these would have been lethal and we never would have experienced Abbey. She is a daily walking miracle and how grateful I am to know her!

I can think of at least two experiences in my life when I could have died if things had gone differently, but was “miraculously” saved. One occurred when I was home during summer break from college. We were at a family reunion at Laguna Beach, California. I went out into the surf to take a dip. I spent most of my growing up years frolicking in the waves of Huntington Beach to the north, where the beaches are wide open and the waves tamer and farther out. This little bay in Laguna had bigger waves and hit closer to shore. I tried my best to get inbetween the crashing waves but was caught flatfooted at just the wrong moment and received the full weight of a large wave which knocked me over and spun me around a few times. When I finally recovered enough to gather which way was up, and get a breath of air there was another one just like the last, breaking on top of me. I endured this bashing for another couple of rounds and knew I had to move toward shore quickly because I was running out of energy. By the time I finally made it to shore and collapsed onto my towel, I had never felt so drained in my life. I tried to tell my dad I almost died but it sounded a little over the top, even to me. But I have never forgotten that moment!

The other incident happened when me and my girlfriend were travelling by car to her hometown in Texas. We shared a ride with a couple of strangers and took turns at the wheel on the long trip. It was my turn, during the daylight, when I was driving on a lonely two-way road in the middle of nowhere and everyone else in the car was asleep. I noticed in the distance what appeared to be an 18-wheeler big rig traveling in my lane. It didn’t look like he was passing anyone, and it was far enough away that I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it or what. The closer he got, the more it seemed as if he certainly was in my lane, so I just slowly pulled off to the side of the road and stopped. Sure enough, zoom! he drove right by me in the wrong lane. This woke up the rest of the car, and we all marveled at the close call.

I think of some other high risk activities I did with strangers whom I trusted in my young adult years and also think of how bad they could have turned out. I have had 62 years of a miraculous and glorious life. God has a plan for us all. We are all going to die at some point, and it behooves us to trust in a higher power that knows the end from the beginning.

Contemplating the Whys

I’ve never been much of a “Why me?” type of thinker in my life. In fact, I most often lean in favor of Murphy’s law–that if anything can and will go wrong, it will happen to me. I must admit however, that this cancer thing took me by surprise. At the end of each year at work, we had been given the opportunity to change our insurance coverage, and lately they were offering “cancer insurance” as an option. In 2016 I gave it a fleeting thought and decided “Nah–I’m good.” The reason? I have lived a pretty healthy lifestyle the majority of my life. I never have smoked, drank alcohol, taken illicit drugs or lived dangerously in any way. Three years after my daughter was born, I started exercising, lost a bunch of weight and continued as a consistent runner for almost 25 years. The year before my diagnosis I ate more cucumbers (daily) than I had eaten in my entire 60 years previous. And we who follow social media know that cucumbers are cancer killers! So with all of that dangerous knowledge behind me I thought I was safe.

I did fit a higher-risk profile for ovarian cancer in that I was over 55 and had been a “poor reproductive performer” having had only one child. But darn it, so do a gazillion other women and they never got or get ovarian cancer! It is almost impossible to get cancer and not ask yourself what you did to cause it because we, as humans, want to attach blame to someone or something, including ourselves. We want answers. I could see right away the futility of such thinking because there are no concrete answers. My life ending sooner than most has little to do with talcum powder or risk percentages, but has everything to do with how I face it and who I become as a result. This is where my core being as a child of God and faith in a loving creator who has sent us to earth for a divine purpose comes in. To me, it is impossible to talk about the “whys” of life without it.

If you’ve searched the internet for ways of dealing with ovarian cancer, you’ve likely come across treatment plans, chemotherapy, diets, supplements and pills. This is probably the only place you’re going to find spiritual fodder to digest. So, stick with me.

My insights come from a Christian, Latter-day Saint perspective. (https://www.mormon.org) We come to earth to be tested, to learn to overcome our weaknesses and imperfections, to repent and to become more like our Savior, Jesus Christ. You can’t achieve that if your life is easy, so life was never meant to be easy or what we as humans deem to be “fair.” Cancer is never fair, especially when it involves a child. It is impossible to enumerate the number of injustices we will come across in our lifetime, but it is part and parcel of our earthly experience. Therefore, how we face such trials means everything. Will I trust in the Lord who knows everything or do I lean on my own pitiful understanding of eternity? Will I take this perceived injustice and turn it into anger and resentment or will I continue on the path of love and faith?

We are not left alone to fend for ourselves. Christ promises us that with faith he will be with us to provide strength and peace in our lives. He knows us individually. I delight in the scripture that tells us he knows even when a sparrow falls to the ground. (Matt 10:29) If he knows that, he knows my sufferings and that comforts me.

In my next blog I will look at miracles. If I’m such a believer, how come I haven’t been miraculously healed?