As the year 2020 has opened to view, I was recently inspired by the first episode in the new year of “Music and the Spoken Word.” Narrator Lloyd Newell quotes the H.G. Wells classic novel The Time Machine: “We all have our time machines, don’t we? Those that take us back are memories, and those that carry us forward are dreams.”
He goes on to say that “Our memories, in a sense, allow us to revisit those moments in the past that have shaped us, taught us, and made us who we are. And our dreams point us forward and keep us focused and striving on what we want to become. Without memories, our lives have no foundation; without dreams, they have no direction. Memories and dreams give us stability in an unstable world.”
Last week I met with my oncologist to review the scan I had last month and to discuss the progress of my cancer. Here I was reminded of just how unstable my world is at this point in time. He did admit that I was doing better than he expected, but was unable or unwilling to say if he thought the Fenben (dewormer) was the reason, or the Avastin, or possibly a combination of both. I understand that when you are doing both, it is impossible to tell what is helping. I asked him if he had other patients that did as well on the Avastin alone, and he said yes. We looked at my labs, particularly the Ca-125 tumor marker throughout my treatments. He had a graph on his computer that showed it going up pretty consistently since last spring–about 20 to 30 points a month, to where it is up to 165 as of December. I asked at what point does one become concerned? “When it starts doubling” was his reply. He also pointed out that although the tumor growth in my body is slow, there is a rather large mass on my liver, indicating with his hands the actual size. It was somewhat shocking to see that, but I needed to see it. He said he thought I would start experiencing “symptoms” (abdominal pain) in about 6 months at this rate. We discussed other medication options, ultimately deciding to continue with the Avastin and the dewormer, but to add another pill to the mix. Tamoxifen, an anti-estrogen drug, is traditionally given to breast cancer patients, but they have had some good results with ovarian cancer as well. I should say mixed results because some it helps, some it does not help, but he thought it was worth a try now rather than later.
So I went home discouraged a bit, much less confident about my future. Which brings me back to the time travel. As I searched for a picture to post with this month’s blog I was reminded of what a great life I have had with so many exceptional memories in each phase of my journey. It was hard to choose just one. I picked a photo from the year 2000 of me after running a 5K race on the 4th of July. I was never a great runner but I loved it, and did it consistently for over 25 years, up until my diagnosis and surgery. There is one big takeaway, among many, that I learned as a result of running that keeps me “focused and striving” amidst my challenges. When you run, you will inevitably become injured, and I did have my fair share of injuries. Because I was unwilling to quit, and needed that physicality in my life, I would just examine myself and say, okay, what part of your body works? At that point I would rest the part that hurt, and go to the gym and use a machine that would let me exercise the parts of my body that still worked. I used the elliptical, or the rower, or the stair stepper, or just walked. It was a pattern that worked well for me. And as I look at my present and future and what I can do successfully with this body, I find there is plenty I can do every day to enrich not only my own life, but the lives of others, even if I never leave the house. I finished a needlepoint project that I’ve been working on for years; I picked up where I left off in an online drawing class I was doing in 2016; I’m learning to water paint, reading, researching my family history and writing this blog to hopefully help others that are going through the same thing I am.
I close with the concluding words of the broadcast I mentioned above. “Actual time travel exists only in science fiction, but memories and dreams can help us appreciate the past and embrace the future. If we hold on to those memories that strengthen us and to those dreams that empower us, the past and the future can give meaning to the present.”
Best wishes to all.